“I performed until there was no energy left to feel” Brené Brown
I controlled things, in my land of rightness, I made what was uncertain certain, I planed, I scheduled, and assumed and presumed all scenarios no matter what the cost was, it had to be controlled in my land of rightness.
I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up. I looked brave on the out side, I was in control, all was under control in my land of rightness but I felt scared from the inside; there was hollowness, coldness and fear. . I thought that control was enough, I thought my shield was thick enough to protect it all, to hide it all, to rectify it all...
Slowly I realized that the shield was a transparent one it hides nothing…it was too fragile to do the needed job, it was too heavy to carry around and the only thing it did was keeping me from being me, knowing me and letting me be known.
The shield never allowed but me staying small or else I will draw attention to my own imperfections, inadequacies, flaws and limitations and in no time all what I worked hard for would be gone.
It was a weight that took my heart down and drained my soul. I realized it was a waste of time carrying it around. My worthiness could not be weighed by the reaction of people in the stand. Unless they are with me in the dirt of the arena their opinion will be of no stance.
And that totally changed the life that would be to the life I want to be. That's the wife, the mother, the daughter and the friend I strive to be
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light