For years and years and years I had a strong believe that I am the victim of the world I was brought up in, I kept blaming the culture, the constrains, the limitations. I totally believed that I was not supposed to be where I am and I must have belonged to another era in a different world. I hated all what my mother was enforcing on me, what my father had to dictate, what my religion had to force and what my culture had to say. I hated the limitations, the restrictions and control that was all around me, strangling me, suffocating me, steeling away my soul.
For almost 34 years I was blaming the universe for collaborating against my Being; my Doing, and against me in whole, I kept blaming every one for every failure, for every sadness, for every depression, for every tumble and stumble along my life journey. In some cases it was madly expressed out loud in the form of unexplained, unjustified furious anger, in other cases by simply shutting my self away whether that is in a locker, a bathroom or even simply in my self.
Only when I was fed-up enough, when I needed enough…actually not that…it was only when I just wanted enough I was liberated. When I just wanted enough I started to realize that I have chosen my limitations, I have chosen my constrains, I have chosen my boundaries. I realized that being constrained, limited and restrained in its own was a choice, my choice, I simply chose to follow; for 34 years I chose to do nothing, I chose to play small, I chose to swim with the flow, I chose not to be courageous enough to own my choices, I didn’t have enough ME to chose the other way!!! The way that I believed was my right way. I chose to be NOT ME.
Transformation was hesitant, terrifying and hard. I was not trusting ME enough but I knew deep in my heart that it was what I want, need and long for. I realized that being able to blame every one else for whatever that comes wrong was the safest and easiest way; it was always a source of relief and that was exactly why I was choosing not to choose. I realized that choosing not to choose spared me the responsibility of owning my choices and being responsible of the consequences.
Through out the transformation phase I realized that it should always be about ME.
- It should be about ME choosing to be in a relationship. It's not about the relationship that I am in.
- It should be about ME choosing to have that job. It's not about the job I have.
- It should be about ME choosing to respond to opportunities. It's not about the opportunities that are available to me.
- It should be about ME choosing what I do with what I have in my life right now. It's not about what I have in my life right now.
- It should be about ME choosing to change. It's not about getting other people to change
- It should be about ME choosing to get control over myself. It's not about controlling other people.
- It should be about ME choosing to change MY world. It's not about changing THE world.
- It should be about ME choosing to respond to what happens in my life. It's not about what happens in my life
- It should be about ME choosing the interpretation of what someone says to ME. It's not about what someone says to ME.
I realized that it wasn’t about my parents. It wasn’t about my neighbors. It wasn’t about whichever religion I was raised with. It was not about who I’m in a relationship with. It is not about who was good or bad to me in the past. It is no longer about them. It is about ME.
The ME rebirth process was as if it is an actual birth through out a very painful labor came out the real ME with all the mixture of pain, joy, anticipation, fear and love I was ALIVE and for the past 5 years and till date It is about who and what I choose to be here and now. It is about my choice of where I want to go from here. All revolves around getting what I choose in life and even owning such choices with full responsibility of the consequences.
Simply, it is all about choosing to Be ALIVE!!!
Editor: Marwa Karoura